FORGIVE ME BABES FOR I HAVE SINNED, IT'S BEEN 3 WEEKS SINCE MY LAST BLOG. ::REPENTS::
I would say at least 5 times a day (and that's probably aiming low) I ask myself out loud "AM I DUMB?". There isn't usually anyone around to answer but the answer is obvi. I ALREADY KNOW.
SIDEBAR: If anyone was around to answer and they responded "Yes." I wouldn't want that either. You know, those things it's okay for you to think about yourself but if anyone else thinks/says/or does you're like...
All Rih-Rih's aside, I'm the one who made the "new blog every Tuesday" rule so naturally I'm the only one who can break it. I wish I had an awesome and culturally rich traveling story to tell you. Or maybe a story about a savage black bear attack I fought off and won a medal of bravery that was presented to me by Leonardo DiCaprio dressed in full costume from The Revenant.
SIDEBAR: I don't really know what made me think of that excuse. I would NEVER fight a bear. And if I did, I know for a fact I wouldn't live to tell about it. But I would accept a medal from Leo wearing the skin of a bear. Or wearing anything. Or wearing absolutely nothing.
Or even that I've been anywhere besides home (New Jersey (North Jersey to be exact)) with the exception of a 2 hour drive to the shore for M-D-DUBS or a 1 hour drive north to NY State for a wedding.
Yes fine, a little embarrassing (because I just said M-D-DUBS but also because I judge myself when I don't stick to my word.) But here I am! And I'm not gonna make any excuses, not my style, yo. Know if you can count on me for anything it's always to be honest with you.
HOLD ON, SOMEONE IS TALKING TO ME...
(20 minutes and another cup of coffee later.)
SIDEBAR: See how f-ing easy it is to get distracted!
But truthfully, there's nothing that annoys me more (or right now) than people who don't get the hint. When you see someone sitting down with headphones on (or earbuds. My headphones are all gold and pretty loud so I feel like I can't wear them in public without attracting unwanted attention or handing out solar eclipse glasses.) what makes that an invitation to talk? What about me sitting here quietly on a computer is welcoming to you to start a small talk conversation? Or even more so AT THE GYM... why are you standing in front of me? I'm sweating, fairly out of shape and definitely out of breath. It's bad enough that I don't always want to be here, why are you interrupting me and extending my time here?
Those minutes of mine you've wasted will keep me here longer than I want to be for that irrelevant news you had to share about how much you hate your job or your boss's cat.
Speaking of the gym... where in the world of two sweaty bodies outside of a bedroom do you think I want to hug you hello / and or fake side cheek kiss you? I will throw up right now. I don't like my own sweat, why would I want to marry yours with mine and marinate in it my whole way home. Asking for a pimple. I'm literally getting itchy just typing this.
The only acceptable form of "Hello" at a gym, inside or within a 200ft radius is a high five. THAT'S F-CKING IT.
Back to the reason I've been MIA... Just cycles of life I suppose? (Good answer? Or nah?) Sometimes you've got it together and sometimes you need a minute to get it together. I probably say that a lot? But again, I'm just honest. If you have it all together all the time, more power to you but that's just not my reality and I wouldn't even try to fake it. By no means do I consider myself a writer... I mean I've always enjoyed writing and have been told I'm a pretty captivating story teller but I'm no professional.
With that said, it's hard for me to write when I have a lot on my mind. Basically speaking, it's just hard for me to talk about JUST ANYTHING when there is a specific something on my mind that I'm not in the mood to talk about or doesn't need to be talked about. It doesn't have to even be anything bad, but bottom line, I just can't fake it. At anything. Don't know how to be entertaining when I'm distracted.
I am very transparent. I wear my feelings/attitude/problems/happiness on my face, in my walk, in my thoughts, literally everywhere on me. If something is wrong or I am over processing and burnt out, you will know. But it's usually at those times I stay to myself as much as I can, so, technically you wouldn't know.
I am also very empathetic. When my friends/family/anyone I love are going through a tough time, I do my best to be there in any way I can and usually find myself absorbing some of their pain. Giving myself in any way to raise the spirits of someone else is who I am. However, you have to know where and when to draw the line. Sometimes I give/worry too much and then have nothing left to give myself so I have to take some quiet time to re-up.
So that's what happened. We all know that feeling far too well; being drained or emotionally spent. Your job as the ever-evolving boss of your own life and happiness is to recognize that unbalanced energy to find your way out. Keeping your own glass full is SO IMPORTANT. Patterns are hard to break, but if you just keep trying, you'll get it down. You grow, you learn. Take your own mistakes or lessons presented to you as another push-in the-right-direction and use them as stepping stones-- not rocks to beat yourself up with when you fall short! God I wish I knew this all 10 years ago. I would be a manifested wizard covered in diamonds by now.
I used to view all of these traits of my mine as flaws... my big heart, my empathy, my transparency, my sensitivity etc, but I know now that my old "flaws" are in fact, MY SUPERPOWERS. The biggest part to me is surrendering to the fact that I'm still learning and navigating my way. Overcoming each challenge is a triumph but you must know there will always be a next step- you're never "on top" or done growing!
As much as noticing and catching old patterns before they roll into a downward spiral has become interesting and almost fun for me, I've realized that maintaining stable mental health could sometimes be a full time job. There is no hiding when you're self aware, you must deal with what's given to you when it's up front and starring you in the grill. What I've learned to find comforting is realizing that the experiences I once hated have shaped me into the proud budding wizard I am today-- so I really can't be mad.
All I can do is keep my candles lit, my crystals close, mind my own biz and work on my biz.
And have some fun along the way... aka keep eating, drinking and tanning this skin. Even if you don't agree with anything else I've said this far, we can all agree that tan fat is better than pale fat.
SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY.
Love you literally so much more than pizza.