I see a trend happening here...
I am always in my feels when I sit down to write.
To be honest, it's probably because I am generally always in my feels, but this is officially becoming my free therapy.
*LAYS DOWN ON CHAISE LOUNGE AND LIGHTS JOINT*
In my astral defense, it's a full moon tonight. Which actually makes it the perfect time to shed this self-defeating, crap ass, shithead mentality.
Also, in my general life defense, I'm getting my period in a day or 2.
Excuses aside, here's the deal I've got cookin' up in this overthinkin' noggin'.
As some of you may know, (maybe a whole 3 of you reading this) my birthday is next week. A week from today, on Halloween to be exact. I was born October 31, 1985 at 11:58pm which means this year, I will be turning 33.
… AND IT'S BUGGIN' ME OUT.
I hate it when I hear myself act so lame.
For me, living in this early 30-something window, I think it's possible that with every birthday comes a higher and higher amount of that "supposed to be" anxiety. What it's supposed to look like and where you're supposed to be in the traditional stages of life. Even if you're not even signed up to believe in the "Supposed To Be School", your brain pretty much does it anyway. Those savage creepy thoughts, they will getcha my pretty. And the outcome ain't ever pretty.
Interesting statistic, but 93.9% of the time I cry on my birthday. No, not that they're always sad tears necessarily but facial precipitation, nonetheless.
Why Am I So Emotional 25/8?: Vol. 4820983
SIDEBAR: Would have never known 'nonetheless' was 1 word if I didn't Google it.
SIDEBAR PT. 2 AND BACK ON SUBJECT: I desperately want to know WHO THE F targeted my life / phone adds to strictly women's fertility. I, for the record, should state that I have never searched that. Every sponsored ad I scroll past is about freezing my eggs and telling me "it's not too late". I don't even know if I want kids. Is it too late? GET LOST, Google puppet masters.
Cue the imfamous Judgey Bird songstress in my ear...
JB: "Get up and go look in the mirror. You'll be 3-FUCKING-3 next week goofball and you're wearing a Mickey and Minnie pin on your jacket. Come closer, look at those crows feet. Boy, are they crowin'! Yea, that's your 3rd grey eyebrow hair. I didn't know they existed either but I see it. Did you know that 33 is half way to 35? Which is basically 40? And you're still single. LOL. You gonna stop dating unavailable menchildren just because you're bored and finally admit you want more aka someone who is aligned with you OR NAH? Also, your saddlebags are getting wide again. Go back to the gym. Actually, just go away. You're annoying me."
SIDEBAR: Gasp. WAIT.
To reread that truthful, yet pretty hurtful Judgey Bird rant just did something to my insides.
*INSERT LIGHT BULB MOMENT IN THERAPY SESSION.*
We (well I) know that we, as women especially, are always being told to be our own best friends. Love ourselves, cheer ourselves on, motivate ourselves and push ourselves on the reg.
But look at the way we talk to ourselves. If you had a girlfriend who talked to you the way you sometimes talk down to yourself, you WOULD NOT be friends with that bitch anymore. Plain and simple. Well then how and why do we cosign our own bullshit? Why do we let Judgey Bird in? Why do we ever let a single shred of doubt tear us down even 1 peg?
Okay so no, I'm not exactly "where I want to be" in life. But realistically, when the F did I put someone else in charge? ME? Do that? NEVER. When did I give someone else the authority to say "this is where you should be" just because it's what everyone from 1950's did. This is my ride, with my destination. Besides, it's 2018.
And yes, like I said, I'm not exactly where I want to be, but myself, and this business, is way further along than we were when we started this blind mission. So eat shit, with your traditional ass views. My loyalty to my dreams and my hard work really is paying off.
Okay so no, I'm not dating anyone "seriously". However, I'm also not in a stale relationship that is energy vampiring my soul and making me miserable inside. I'm also not somewhere faking a smile and sticking around because I'm too scared to be alone or start over. Or god forbid, decided to marry someone because "it's the next thing to do".
SIDEBAR: "Start over". What a terrible stigma those two words have when you pair them together. It's like you're set up to feel left behind when you're "starting over" but I'm not really sure why? I got BLESSED, literally, by a fresh start. You may not see it at first but, I stand here today, a product of a life changing blessing.Thank you, sweet universe.
When it comes to all things in life, but especially love, I have learned the importance of time and patience. It's all going to be worth it. I believe, believe, believe that, 1000%, to be true.
What's that old saying? There's a lid for every pot?
I love pot. So, bingo.
SIDEBAR: I think whats going to align best is a man that is equal parts Jax Teller / Jay Gatsby / Frank Sinatra / The Rock.
Wow. That's honestly an exciting mixture off the top of the dome.
And the body.
Good ol' BODY IMAGE.
Everyone's definition of healthy is completely different. Every single person's body is so, so different inside and especially outside. If you really think about it, it's literally impossible to set a "norm" or a standard or what a body "should" look like. Why do we care what the airbrushed models look like? Half the people you think are "body goals" have bought something along the way!
Stop comparing yourself.
Sure, my body isn't exactly what I want it to look like, but it's mine-- I have grown to really love her. Every bump, bubble, roll and imperfection, they are all fucking mine. And it's my job to love and take care of her, inside and out. I am healthy, conscious and responsible for what I put in it and how it makes me feel. It allows me to wake up every day, put my two feet on the ground and chase my dreams.
My point is this: The be my own best friend mentality can LEGIT CRUSH Judgey Bird or irrational birthday anxiety (insert your own life anxiety) just like 2 birds with 1 stone.
Ain't no such thing as "TOO LATE".
Stop knit-picking yourself to death.
LET GO AND JUST LIVE.
Reminder: You are where you are and need to be.
Own it, Queen.
Thanks for the session.
Until next time.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIZZA.
You may or may not have listened to this already but if you didn't I recommend you take the 25 minutes and do so. This woman is remarkable. And is also turning 33 :)
Pps. I used an uncomfortable about of "parenthesis" in this and by no means do I want you to think I'm a real life air-quoter. Just had to clarify that.
SEE YA LATER!