Admittedly, I do see a trend happening here.
I am always in my feels when I sit down to write. To be honest, it's probably because I am generally always in my feels but this is officially becoming my free therapy. Here we go...
*LAYS DOWN ONTO CHAISE LOUNGE AND LIGHTS JOINT*
As usual, in my astral defense, it's a full moon tonight. Actually, the perfect time to shed this self-defeating shithead mentality. And in life defense, I'm getting my period in a day or 2. #TMI #InMyFeels
As some of you my know, (maybe a whole 3 of you reading this) my birthday is next week. A week from today, on Halloween to be exact. I was born October 31, 1985 at 11:58pm which means this year, I will be turning 33.
… AND IT'S BUGGGGGGGIN' ME OUT.
Why! I hate it when I act so lame.
Let's talk about it.
In my opinion after a certain age, for me in this 30-something window, I think it's possible that with every birthday comes a higher and higher amount of that "supposed to be" anxiety. What it's supposed to look like and where you're supposed to be. Even if you're not even signed up to believe in the "Supposed To Be School", your brain pretty much does it anyway. Those savage creepy thoughts, they will getcha my pretty. And the outcome ain't EVER pretty.
Interesting statistic, but 93.9% of the time I cry on my birthday. No, not that they're always sad tears necessarily but facial precipitation nonetheless.
Why Am I Like This?: Vol. 4820983
SIDEBAR: Would have never known 'nonetheless' was 1 word if I didn't Google it.
SIDEBAR PT. 2 AND BACK ON SUBJECT: I desperately want to know WHO THE F targeted my life / phone adds to strictly women's fertility. I, for the record, should state that I have never searched that. Like I'm talking fertility ONLY. And around my birthday? Too ironic and disturbing even for me. Every sponsored ad I scroll past is about freezing my eggs and telling me "it's not too late". I don't even know if I want kids. Is it too late? GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Spiraling.
Cue the imfamous Judgey Bird songstress in my ear...
JB: "Get up and go look in the mirror. You'll be 3-FUCKING-3 next week goofball and you're wearing a Mickey and Minnie pin on your jacket. Come closer, look at those crows feet. Boy are the crowin'! Yea, that's your 3rd grey eyebrow hair. I didn't know they existed either but I see it. Did you know that 33 is half way to 35? Which is basically 40? And you're still single. LOL. You gonna stop dating unavailable menchildren just because you're bored and finally admit you want more aka someone who is aligned with you OR NAH? Also, your saddlebags are getting wide again. Go back to the gym. Actually, just go away. You're annoying me."
That scared me. To reread that typical yet pretty hurtful Judgey Bird rant just did something to my insides. *INSERT LIGHT BULB MOMENT IN THERAPY SESSION.*
We (well I) read all the time that we, as women especially, have to be our own best friends. Love ourselves, cheer ourselves on, motivate ourselves and push ourselves on the reg. But look at the way we talk to ourselves sometimes? If you had a girlfriend who talked to you the way you sometimes talk down to yourself, you WOULD NOT be friends with that bitch anymore.
If you had a girlfriend that kept dating a guy that didn't treat her right and she spent more time being annoyed by him than she did benefiting from anything outside of the bedroom, you WOULD NOT cosign that bullshit and you would tell her to keep it movin' from that chump.
SIDEBAR: Run-ons fo life.
Well then why do we cosign our own bullshit?
Why do we let Judgey in?
Okay so no, I'm not "where I want to be" in life. However, me and my business are way further along than we were when I first started this blind mission as a "business owner / adult". Eat shit JB, I work hard.
No, I'm not "dating anyone seriously". However, I'm also not in a stale relationship that is energy vampiring my fucking soul and only sticking around it because I'm too scared to be alone. Or god forbid married to it because it was the next thing to do and now I'm just faking my way around town.Time and patience, it's all worth it.
SIDEBAR: What aligns best is a man that is equal parts: Jax Teller / Jay Gatsby / Frank Sinatra / The Rock
Wow. That's honestly an exciting mixture off the top of the dome.
And the body. Good ol' BODY IMAGE. Everyone's definition of healthy is different. Every single person's body is so, so different inside and out. If you think about it, it's literally impossible to set a "norm" or a standard or what a body "should" look like. Sure, my body "isn't exactly what I want it to look like" but it' will get there with my help. For the most part I am healthy, conscious and responsible for what I put in it and how it makes me feel.
Now I'm thirsty.
My point is this: Your be my own best friend mentality can LEGIT CRUSH Judgey Bird and irrational birthday anxiety (insert your own life anxiety) just like 2 birds with 1 stone.
Ain't no such thing as "TOO LATE".
Stop knit-picking yourself to death.
LET GO AND JUST LIVE.
Reminder: You are where you are and need to be.
Own it, Queen.
Thanks for the session.
Until next time.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIZZA.
You may or may not have listened to this already but if you didn't I recommend you take the 25 minutes and do so. This woman is remarkable. And is also turning 33 :)
Pps. I used an uncomfortable about of "parenthesis" in this and by no means do I want you to think I'm a real life air-quoter. Just had to clarify that.
SEE YA LATER!