20: Life goes on.
Posted on 08 January 2019
Oh, hello there.
And Happy New Year.
Mamma, we made it.
SIDEBAR: It's January 8th. You have a 2 week grace period after January 1st to say Happy New Year. That's pushing it and I'm being nice. Anything past that I will disregard and you're annoying. I rarely say it first anyway.
Anyway, the reason behind my current mood: I'M IN JURY DUTY.
There are a small list of pros to jury duty. So small that I'm not sure it even consists of a "list". The only one I can really think of right now is PEOPLE WATCHING. Which is always enjoyable but at what cost? Not the cost of jury duty.
So here's a short yet probably detailed list of the cons. Which ironically mostly consist of the simple act of me people watching:
1. It's 21,098,453 degrees in here. LITERALLY.
2. With heat comes body SMELLS. That's just science. I am confident that I will not be the problem. However, by process of elimination in this room-- you, sir, look like you may eventually be what swings in my nose's direction. Steer clear.
3. EVERYONE is coughing and I just got over being sick. COVER. YOUR. MOUTH. I'm pretty fucking sure you learn that in Kindergarten.
SIDEBAR: I literally wish I had a face mask like those assholes in the airport.
4. There are 49,423 people waiting in line for a thimble size cup of free coffee. I mean an actual Dixie cup. I am in the computer lab room and see them through the windows. Whatever gets you through, weirdos.
5. I just realized forgot my Burts Bees coconut oil lip. THE REAL TRAGEDY.
6. The woman next to me on her computer keeps hot breath exhaling in my direction. I don't know what she is writing but it can't be that tough. If it is, here's a tip-- watch some YouTube videos and go back to it. (Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.)
7. I have a business to run and things to do but it's okay, I will just call all my imaginary employees to get all my work done at home.
8. First thing this morning, they had this robust hype-woman come in for an "orientation". She told us some bogus far fetched fairy tale about this man who was in here and claimed he "loves jury duty". Rachel's ramble aside, the point of her story was to tell us that he loved jury duty because he met his wife here. Listen, I'm all for a soul mate connection and a happy ending but I can tell you right now I most likely am not going to meet the man of my dreams in Newark, NJ.
9. What about headphones in my ears makes me look approachable? That is a question I will never understand an answer to.
SIDEBAR: The coughing hasn't stopped and I now have my sweater covering half my face. IDGAF.
10. I can take blame for 1 disgusting thing because if I was sitting next to me, I'd be repulsed. I'm drinking a drink that I usually only drink in the privacy of my own home... it's collagen / matcha that I also mix with cacao powder. Don't knock it till ya try it but my point in sharing is that visually it looks like diarrhea water. Kinda fitting for someone like me who likes to frequently tell people to EAT SHIT.
11. One more personal note, I forgot a hair tie so my air dried and slept on wig is straight wiggin'.
12. To the middle aged gentleman who has yet to learn what a whisper is and I can hear over my music-- get off your phone, this isn't Houlihan's Happy Hour.
13. The only thing more ridiculous than me people watching right now is this ginger headed Chad in front of me drinking a bottle of Voss water. May I reiterate, this is NEWARK, NJ. You must have BYO'd.
14. I hate ballet flats. I think more than kitten heels.