23: Blind leading the blind.
Posted on 13 February 2019
Oh, Valentine's Day.
Every year, as if the dead of winter in New Jersey isn't foul enough, there's February 14th. The one day in all of our 365 days around the sun that has always been gifted the power and capacity to define us as "loveable" or "not loveable".
SIDEBAR: Okay, I know that ONE DAY does not define you as loveable but it's exactly what this day is about, right? Showering the person you love? AM-I-WRONG? Did someone send you flowers? Aw, that means he likes you. You going to dinner too? Don't forget your red lip. Oh, no one did anything for you? Sorry sis, you're a troll.
What I really want to know is, who died and made Valentine's Day the Love God?
Now, I know I have quite a selective, smoky and watered down memory of my life but if I recall correctly-- this Valentine bullshit was kickin' kids down in grammar school too. We were short little toothless brats passing out Valentine's and hugs ONLY to the people we liked-- boy or girl. If I didn't like you, you didn't get a Valentine. That 90s Valentine card game was cutthroat and ruthless.
SIDEBAR: I just lol'd.
And if nobody liked you?
You sat there sweating it out and trying to play it cool.
And a sin. Also note-- there was no "bullying" in the 90s. You just sat there and got the teacher's cupcake or whatever sugary edible we were getting that day. Maybe you got a valentine, maybe you didn't and that was that. If you were the token smelly kid no one really talked to, you were still the token smelly kid no one really talked to on Valentine's Day. Also, no I'm not mean. Every class had at least one. I can still think of all 3 and their names. 2 boys and 1 girl.
SIDEBAR: Sis, "JASONNNN!"
Diving deeper into the background of my feels today, yes I am still technically single. I'm not exactly what you'd call "looking for someone" but I'm single. I'm not sure if it counts for much but I've barely left my house since Christmas. Or have barely brushed my hair. Or have barely worn anything but oversized Greeving Cards sweatshirts (advertisement), leggings and sneakers. However, for whatever reason this season-- having no plans 2 days before Valentine's Day was echoing loud this morning when I woke up. Silly? Totally. But true? Yes.
To be real, and put my extremely vulnerable single-self on display right now, society's pressures really fucking weigh on me.
I have touched on this topic before so I know it's an ongoing battle. Also, if this post happens to meet and help one set of eyes feel more like a queen instead of a circus troll, my mission is complete.
SIDEBAR: TOTAL FUCKING SIDEBAR. BUT. 879 years later, I started Thrones. As a first timer. Openly declaring myself a hypocrite because I SWORE to the old gods and new that I would NEVER watch this show. To say I am obsessed would be a complete understatement. What an emotional rollercoaster I have been riding the past month. The obsession is so deep that I don't even recognize myself right now. I have spent years judging the people who love it and I am now one of them.
SIDEBAR PT 2: I desperately need Cersei to die a horrible death.
Back to biz.
Often times we drown in things and thoughts we shouldn't think about ourselves. Sometimes the voices are whispers. Sometimes we don't hear them at all and sometimes they go totally ham on us and make us feel like we've lost all our shit.
Every person has different wants and needs. They're all unique to that individual in a million different ways. What fulfills me might not seem like enough for you and vice-versa. If I've been through something in my life that's shaped me and you've experienced the same kind of situation, it will still effect you completely different.
So, why do we listen to the outside pressures and apply them inside our life? How could there be only one blue print? You mean to tell me there's only one way for the masses?
But this view doesn't even belong to me. This view isn't my view and it's part of a measuring scale that doesn't belong to me either. These ideologies have been ingrained in my parents, grandparents, and their grandparents. I'm pretty sure it's been around since Cersei had to make her walk of atonement.
When will it be socially acceptable for a woman to choose for ourselves? Why does breaking the mold make you a black sheep?
You (I) know better and you (we) deserve more.
But why is it this way? Why is it....
When you're ::insert age:: you should live on your own.
When you're ::insert age:: you should have a "real job".
When you're ::insert age:: you should have this much in your savings.
When you're ::insert age:: you should be engaged.
When you're ::insert age:: you should be married.
When you're ::insert age:: you should be ready to start a family.
When you're ::insert age:: you should own a home.
When you're ::insert age:: you shouldn't still wear Minnie Mouse socks.
YOU GET MY POINT.
2. Maybe I'm biased, but I feel like these bogus "to-do lists" are always aimed more at women. Regardless, I know men have social pressures too and molds they should fit into but we're talking about us here. Me. A Woman.
3. Where did that Shit List actually come from? Literally. Who's life is that? Who made it up? When was it made up? Because it's 2019 and it could use a few edits. Who said, "Hey girl, listen to this shit!" or else you're a desperate old maid. Why are we made to feel less-than without that alleged "proper life" check-list completed?
Aside from these feels today, by no means am I sad because I'm single. Do I have selective seasonal depression (I made that up)? Yes. As well as a deep rooted hate for winter and snow? Yes. Am I being an emo little brat because I never like the people that like me? Sure. My life is fulfilling in a shit ton of ways without a man-- although society may define it otherwise or incomplete because there isn't a male figure in it.
Then what? PRAISE the all-mighty man who will one day kneel down and "choose" me. Please, those beliefs are ancient and physically make my stomach turn. I can't even get into that right now. Take several seats.
Why can't you be alone and happy? Why does MY life not going according to YOUR plan make YOU so uncomfortable? Why can't I define my own happy? Why can't I just flow and trust the timing of my own life?
And when you are a single girl, you get the "Don't worry you'll find him" routine.
THANKS FOR THE SUPPORT, JANET. YOUR MARRIAGE AND HUSBAND LOOK LIKE A REAL THRILL RIDE AND I'M SURE YOUR 3 KIDS UNDER 5 ARE SO WELL BEHAVED.
Sadly, all these traditional illusions or bogus "to-do lists" do is take us out of the moment. They make us feel as though we constantly have to keep seeking something greater. As if who we are now isn't enough. Just keep going, keep looking, keep having to reach for more, more, more because once you've reached the end of Level 1,643-- here's Donkey Kong to steam roll you down again with another bullshit necessity. But hey, to each his own.
And for what? All for an opinion and view that isn't even yours. Something that isn't even what you personally want. Enter: Anxiety Level 108. And a few unnecessary pimples I really don't need at age 33.
So, you're single on Valentine's Day? What can you do about it? At the ripe old age of 33, I have a few ideas for myself that you might like too.
For starters, which really just is the only one reason I got; you can get your pretty little head out of your ass and cut the shit. STOP listening to you judging yourself.
Judgey Bird, bye. Like I always remind myself, BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.
SIDEBAR + A BACKTRACK: As far as I know, Valentine's Day was named after Saint Valentine. Correct? Friends of history? I don't know much about it. I also don't care enough to send out a Google search party or ruin my train of thought but-- I can bet most of my belongs that St. Valentine didn't shout the following from the clay rooftops: "GO BUY YOUR QUEEN 12 $85 LONG STEMED ROSES THAT WILL BE $22 TOMORROW AND DEAD IN A WEEK. ALSO, DON'T FORGET THE CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRIES. AND A STEAK DINNER AND A LAVA CAKE. AND PLEASE, ONLY DO ALL OF THIS TODAY. TOMORROW, RESUME BASIC PEASANT GIRL TREATMENT."
SIDEBAR: If you want some V-Day history deets: HERE.
Valentine's Day is ONE DAY. That's 24 hours and if you're smart, you'll sleep for at least 8 of them. But seriously, do you realize how much shit you've survived in your life? How much you've already overcome? What a resilient ass bitch you are? AND YOU'RE GORGEOUS. You're fine. Love who you are now because tomorrow is not guaranteed-- it's a gift.
One more tip? I'm going to drink margs with my girlfriends. THIS IS PRECIESELY WHY WE HAVE FRIENDS, FAMILY & PEOPLE WHO LOVE US. It's not a man-basher event either, I don't have friends like that and I am not like that. But to be in the presence of the love and the support of people you love and support lifts you right the fuck up. Always. And it's why I always say the best things in life aren't things-- they are love. And your girlfriends. And obviously tequila doesn't hurt.
All sad Ross's aside, we'll be just fine on Thursday February 14th. We always are.
Remember, your perspective is everything. Stop feeling bad about things you don't need to feel bad about. Stop treating yourself like a circus troll when you are a fucking Daenerys (Queen). If you just shift your perspective, you will shift your whole life.
So go buy yourself flowers, cook something delish, pour yourself a bath / a drink and enjoy it-- with peace of mind.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIZZA.