We're all human. And everyone has a breaking point.
This needs to come out.
I need to it all to come out. It doesn't have to all come out today, actually I think that would be impossible, but it has to come out.
Anger, regrets, frustration, fear, shame, guilt, denial, sadness, confusion, worries, the constant mountains of unanswered questions, anxieties, this tightness in my chest... and now, tears. I'm boiling over.
SIDEBAR + DISCLAIMER: I cry pretty regularly. However, I haven't cried in months which is extremely bizarre for me and precisely why I say, this needs to come out.
I'm exhausted. Truly.
This cycle of pain I keep running myself over with is frightening and concerning. It's the same feeling disguised in a different outfit. While the causes vary, I always end up feeling this same exhausted, self sabotaging, hole of emptiness. Up until I am sitting in a pile of my own tears, I always think I've beaten this cycle. The length of time in between each breakdown gets longer, but in the end, it's beaten me all my life. And right now, I'm struggling. Again.
I'm always okay, until I'm not.
It's been months, really, a long time since I've felt this way. This hopeless and disappointed in myself.
I guess I'm never too good, or too human, to take the same test for the 634,108th time.
What is the lesson I'm missing? What's not sinking the fuck in?
SIDEBAR: Cue shame, disappointment, confusion, rage and sadness.
I understand life is life, and you can't always be up... but sometimes it just feels like, man, I've really perfected the fucking crash and burn part of it all.
SIDEBAR: I think I'm going to keep an f bomb counter. I feel em' running rampant today.
What it all really comes down to with me is this; why is it so hard for me to fucking let go? Be it a fear, a thought, a relationship, past trauma, a feeling, anything. There is ZERO benefit in holding onto something that makes us feel bad. About ourselves, especially. My sweet, powerful, beautiful, unique, self-aware, warrior bitch, fucking surviving, sensitive, kind, emotional, dream chasing, extremely important, self. What makes us hold on when we know the other side of this kung fu grip is weightlessness? Furthermore, why do we cosign this monstrous force when we know it's only holding us back from not just being better, but feeling better?
As the brilliant writer, but also infamously toxic and stupid Carrie Bradshaw once said, are we just addicted to the pain?
Even worse, why do we give so much power to things outside ourselves? It's like handing over the keys to your car to someone wearing a blindfold and watching as they crash your car.
We know better, but sometimes, we fail to do better.
SIDEBAR: First, I write. Then add in then .gifs at the end, but I already know I'm going to crush it with her and that Big dummy. They are toxic AF and 58% of the reason why I suck at relationships. JK, but really. I love/hate them equally.
In the light of day, the concept of "holding on" seems utterly insane to be struggling with. To hold onto anything that might cause sadness or could play any part at all in fucking up the alignment you have worked for within yourself.
The answer to the problem seems so obvious and simple...
"WELL, LET GO."
But ultimately, my problem lies within this question; Why is it so hard to do better even though you know better? While I can be quite skilled in the failing the lesson portion of this equation, I usually do even worse in applying it. So does that mean I didn't learn shit and am just wasting my time? Or will all these seemingly failed lessons one day amount to something magically spectacular and larger than life?
SIDEBAR: If there was just a small, little wizard or shaman answering all these questions as I type them, I truly think that would help me TREMENDOUSLY.
I think we all just want to be free. To live free. Free in whatever sense it is that word feels important to us-- financially, mentally, spiritually-- I don't think anybody in life ever asks to be weighed down. Ideally, we want to feel weightless, with no worries. To live a happy life, stable with no static.
For me, I think the ultimate goal is mental freedom; to feel safe, and loved.
SIDEBAR: That sentence just made me cry.
So, it comes with a deep exhale that I have to follow up my freedom revelation with a real life realization; we are the only ones standing in our way.
Always, and without question.
I'm cool with admitting I do not always know how to get out of my way. It wouldn't be the first time I've been the cause of fucking something up, especially myself. So in the same way I can be honest and admit that I am part of the problem, I need to be honest with myself and say I am not okay with being part of the problem. Something has to give in this torture cycle. That something has to be me.
We are so hardwired from our pasts, I mean deeply, deeply hardwired, that sometimes it seems like it'll be next to impossible to completely break the patterns we've come accustomed to, even if/when they are ruining us. No, I am not using my past as a cop out, I'm merely using it as an example.
Example: Sometimes when things don't go my way, I get irrationally angry. Yes, it's embarrassing and I do know the way that sounds. And yes, I know it sounds immature AF to read back, too. But, I can be stubborn. And I get mad, I mean, HEATED. After I play "cool girl" and pretend like I don't care, anger is my second response. (I do not recommend this cycle.) If I'm not careful with myself and my words, the situation is bound to and tends to blow up in my pretty little face. Do I think me flying off the handle ever solves anything? Literally, nope. But, I haven't quite successfully conquered the channeling of said rage, yet.
SIDEBAR: It really was me, not you. And I'm sorry I hurt you.
We constantly, by the minute and second, ride the balance bike. Whether we're aware of it or not, we're still riding. Responsibilities, relationships, kids, making the right decisions for ourselves, our career, bills, stresses, feelings, family problems, matters of the heart, any and everything in life, pilled sky high on both shoulders and quite often a tall stack of worries on top of our heads too.
Sometimes, the balance ride is a easy as pie and you're right on track. It's breezy, sunny and 70. You're cruising, passing rose gardens, the birds are chirping, you're kissing puppies, eating cupcakes without gaining weight, your lashes are perfect, your skin has an effortless glow AND your pores are so small.
And out of nowhere, BAMM!
Cue just one wrong move.
Now it's dark and there's no street lights. You're swerving around NJ sized potholes and coming in way too hot down a crowded street. It's raining, you spilled your coffee on your favorite jacket and whoops, some little shitbag kid just threw a tree branch into your front wheel. Yep, there you go-- over the handlebars into 16 piles of big dog shit. Your shoulder responsibilities stacks are everywhere and now you're buried alive under it all.
Much like the weather or misreading your GPS, internal or literal, if you find that you've lost your way or your balance, you can pretty much count on a life detour or massive storm to come and fuck your shit up. The unbalancing of it all is basically inevitable for me. And that is such a frustrating, tiring thought. Will it always be this way? Is anyone truly balanced, 24/7? Dear God, I hope so. Because I do want to be.
Something I learned a few years ago that I'll never forget, is the following...
Somewhere inside all of us is the child that we've physically outgrown but mentally may still need to care for every once in a while. Openly speaking, my girl is scared, made easily anxious or overwhelmed, and often feels defeated. After all these years of learning about herself, her power and her strengths, I know she still lacks confidence.
And honestly, that's so disappointing to me.
When I think of her, I sometimes I still feel bad for her. She's had to face so much at such a young age and she is well validated in feeling the way she does. She's been abused, abandoned, lost, hopeless and helpless. She has lived in fight or flight for most of her life. She has grown strong, but she's only human and sometimes she slips. Sometimes she still needs some guidance and support. Sometimes she still needs love.
She, is also something else I need to let go of.
SIDEBAR: Speaking of her, she just told me to call my therapist to make an appointment. Smart girl. Maybe it's time I start giving her a little more credit.
I'm not sure how to end this, because this extremely vulnerable conversation is far from over. These empty feelings are probably a long way from completely resolved, but, I needed to write all of this out. I need to stand up and hold myself accountable. I can not keep placing the blame on others for my actions or reactions. And overall, for the millionth time, I am making an open promise to myself to put more energy into working on my balance.
Regardless if you feel like a broken record or not. Regardless of the self shaming that comes along with "starting over", there's something to be said about someone who keeps trying. Someone who does not ignore their shit, re-centers and continues to put one foot in front of the other.
But where actually is, there anyway? Does it have tequila?
SIDEBAR: Wizard? Shaman? Anyone? No? Okay.
Thank you for listening.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIZZA.
PS. Final F bomb count: 9
PPS. LOOK HOW MUCH HE SUCKS.
"...I'm getting out."
NOW THIS, REALLY IGNITES THE FUCKING RAGE IN ME.
PPPS. Final F bomb count: 10