Let's get to it.
How many times can I read, reread, pout about, question, get angry about, replay, cry about, forgive, forget, remember, rerun, or beat myself up over the same situation?
You'd be surprised. My ability to overthink shit is one of my super powers.
ENTER PHASE 2. Shut up and just fucking breathe.
SIDEBAR: I can tell me to relax or chill. You, do not, tell me to relax or chill.
You've got one thing on your side at all times. You're going to get the gift of time, that's all. Take it one day at a time. Some days you'll need to slow it down to one minute at a time, but just breathe.
SIDEBAR: Slightly unrelated, but try this. It feels really good.
What you do with the gift of time will be what that impacts your life in terms of detaching, healing and moving on. The plus side is, nobody is rushing you. The down side is, nobody is rushing you.
There is no guide book, no how to, or no Google translator. You have to do it on your own. Well, there is a "guide book" if you want to listen to someone else's play by play, but I don't recommend that. What worked for someone else isn't necessarily going to work for you.
Always go slow with yourself. Use your time wisely, but essentially however feels beneficial to you to help you cope, understand, and comfort your wounds.
SIDEBAR: I watched the entire Twilight Saga. Judge me.
Be smart enough to combine the gift of time with a lot of self care, understanding and patience.
SIDEBAR: When I say "self care", I don't mean sheet masks, posting motivational quotes, and downing bottles of Rose.
When you are ready to understand and accept the knee deep shit you've been hiking through, you will inevitably see and learn the lesson. It could take two weeks, it could take two years. I've been on the working end of both of those time references and lived to tell about it.
Time + patience + a lesson = ya got yourself some growth.
SIDEBAR: Oh yeah. I know I said breathe, but don't forget to exhale. I do that shit all the time.
In regards to getting there and using the time wisely, I suppose like all things, once the initial sting wears off your hurt, you are able to process and see things for what they really are.
SIDEBAR: PHASE 1 was cry as much as you want and don't shower for days. I'm exceptionally gifted when it comes to Phase 1.
ENTER PHASE 3. Honor and be good to yourself.
It is up to me (us), to remind myself (ourselves) daily, that I am my (we are our) own best friend. It is in fact true that you are the only one you can count on. Hands down, in any situation, it's YOU. That fact used to make me feel discouraged and lonely, but now- it gives me the chills. Powerful fucking freedom chills.
And guess what? We fucking got this.
Within this experience, I realized that one of my biggest fears came true.
SIDEBAR: And 2nd disclaimer: Extreme vulnerability ahead.
That I would display a part of my "ugly" and somebody would reject me for it. Those parts of myself I continually, and with so much consistency, work towards healing and "fixing". That any one of my insecurities (PICK ONE), would be seen, twisted and used against me. That the exact insecurities, the ones that make me feel so insecure in the first place, someone would see and it would reveal a weaker side in me. A side of me that I am not always proud of, still working on, and deem me unloveable for it.
And that's precisely what happened.
Now, being the Overthinking Queen of America- I certainly, and with ease, could have chosen to continue to murder myself over this topic. Day after day of knit picking all the things I could have done differently and beat myself up for being so gullible or so openly vulnerable. But, my therapist said to cut the shit. So I cut the shit and I pulled myself out of the "you suck shame spiral" right before the ride fell off the tracks.
I deserve more than to beat myself up. Been there, done that, got to be above it. Furthermore, I have learned, repeatedly, over the years that- the only way out is through. So, the show goes on.
I preach, a lot, about standing up for yourself. About finding your voice and using it. But truthfully, I have been completely silent for much of my life.
Not that this should come as a shock, but I feel as though I should totally mention that I, like much of the world, have struggled with mental wellness for most of my life.
Within my early childhood and through to my early teenage years, I've encountered situations that no one should have to deal with. I am not currently open to talking in depth about these issues, so for now I will spare the details, but trust me when I say, you are not alone and I understand pain. Mountains upon mountains of confusion, traumatic experiences and hurt that took me decades to understand and accept. Or quite possibly, maybe I still haven't fully understood or accepted those mountains.
As a young girl, life proceeded to shape me into this fragile, pathetic victim I was told, thought and then believed I was.
I became someone who was petrified to do anything. Petrified to try, petrified to change, and petrified to speak up. I truly did not think me, or my voice mattered, so I didn't bother using it. I silenced myself externally, which completely murdered me internally, and I continued to spiral. I was completely depressed and utterly miserable.
Rebel, spiral, self destruct, repeat.
I have spent so many years of this beautiful life feeling angry or bitter because I didn't know how to accept the cards I'd been dealt. I lacked confidence, had terribly low self esteem and next to zero amounts of self worth. I literally let people walk all over me. Essentially, just stomp me out. Sadly, I became used to that feeling. Even worse, I accepted the feeling as "this is my life" and "this is what I deserve".
I have spent so many years of this beautiful life wanting to be different and focusing on all the wrong things. Always waiting for something or someone else to make me happy- to "complete me". Always wishing I was thinner or prettier, or wishing my skin was perfect, my hair was different, or just mainly wishing I was anything or anyone but who I am. I compared myself to others, in every and all facets, constantly and daily.
Hating the outside and numbing the inside, repeat.
I dug the hole deeper and deeper, but somehow I always managed to keep a smile and my quick wit to the outside world. I thought I was a master of disguise. So no one questioned a thing. Which inevitably led me to feel even worse about myself and feel even more invisible.
When it comes to relationships, I've essentially been involved in one, mainly extremely toxic ones at that, since I was 14. I was always quick to dumb down my strengths and needs. I constantly neglected my own feelings and worst of all, always put myself second to the comfort of someone else. "Just smile and agree with whatever they want to do, they'll love you for it". I fought to stay in shitty situations just to have someone. I tolerated lack of respect as well as mental and physical abuse, for the smallest bits of attention or validation. I didn't think I deserved anything more than what had been beaten into my head.
ENTER PHASE FOREVER: Speak up or stay down.
My most recent life experiences have retaught me something I always knew, but briefly forgot. I've relearned a very important rule when it comes to surviving, and I'm obviously here to share it with you.
It's really quite simple, and if you blink you'll miss it...
You must, on top of all things, trust and be kind to yourself. As well as be there for yourself.
100000%. At all times and with no exceptions.
POINT. BLANK. PERIOD.
Within listening to a voice in my head that said- "EW. Yo girl, I'm uncomfortable.", it triggered me to speak up. Regardless of where my voice came from, be it reality or insecurity, I listened and exercised her demons.
Somebody asked me "What's wrong?", so I answered. I did not ignore myself. I held myself up and responded with a voice I am still learning how to navigate.
Should I have remained silent and sat there in discomfort and fear of offending someone else?
SIMPLE ANSWER: NOPE.
What if I just ate the feeling that provoked this insecurity?
Who would I be doing a service to?
Not me, that's for damn sure.
Who's going to have my best interest, if it's not me?
Who's going to step forward in the direction of growth for me, if it's not me?
Who's going to speak up for me, if it isn't me?
Know this- you don't lose anything when you gain a lesson. And you'll never lose anything when a situation brings you closer to yourself.
If I know one thing for sure, it's this- we are all a product of our past and it's impossible to see our future. Life will take you, make you and shape you into exactly who you need to be to get you to exactly where you need to go.
Sure, we can spend our days overthinking, worrying we fucked something great up and crying that we wish things were different. Or, we can stand tall in our truth, vulnerable in our honesty and confident in our self worth knowing everything happens exactly how it's supposed to. We can't control a thing, all we can really do is be here and now.
And when we forget, I'll be here to remind us both to breathe, and exhale.
Above all, trust the process and trust in yourself.
At all times.
LOVE YOU MORE THAN PIZZA.